On resolutions. [I blame the Instagrammers.]

I woke up on the 1st, and in a fit of unbridled optimism and chutzpah, decided to quit eating sugar for the month of January. Now, I want to be very clear that in keeping with all of my food related choices, this was not pre-planned and was based solely on the fact that floppy-hatted inspirational Instagrammers schilling essential oils and over-the-knee boots were doing it. Joining the masses giving up sugar made me feel deeply virtuous and just SEEMED like a marvelous idea.

I should tell you that I once attempted Whole30. I made it Whole7, at which point Kellan told me I was acting like the Blair Witch and to please for the love of God eat a dinner roll.

I digress.

Now, I acknowledge that it’s out of vogue to crash-diet in January. As a society, we’re supposed to have evolved past the nonsense of temporary food vows in favor of year-round healthy lifestyles and body positivity. Unfortunately, I have not evolved past couch-butt and a deep abiding love for chicken nuggets made from factory run-off meat slurry so HERE WE ARE.

The first four hours were incredible—I felt like I could CONTROL THE UNIVERSE WITH MY MIND. Beaming like I’d just invented fire, I informed Kellan of my plan. Ever the supportive partner, he instantaneously declared that I wouldn’t make it three days. My alleged husband then proceeded to eat an entire sleeve of Oreos in front of me and the whole thing was so viscerally devastating that I had to go lie down.

I logged onto Twitter where CNN had just published an article titled “Why dieting is so much harder than it looks.” TALK TO ME CNN.

I am just a girl. Standing in front of a mirror. Trying not to look like Miss Trunchbull from Matilda.

It’s day three. Kellan got home from work while I was mentally composing my last will and testament, and sweetly asked how I was doing. I  looked up and was all IF THOSE IDIOT INSTAGRAMMERS POST ONE MORE PICTURE LOOKING DELIGHTEDLY AT THEIR GREEN SMOOTHIES I SWEAR I AM GOING TO GO SCREAM ADELE SONGS AT THE NEIGHBORS DOG.

Babe. Why are you still doing this?

BECAUSE WE ARE LIKELY T MINUS NOT A LOT OF DAYS UNTIL TRUMP STARTS A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST AT WHICH POINT I CAN’T SLAUGHTER OTHER PEOPLE OVER IODINE TABLETS IN OUR UNDERGROUND FILTRATION BUNKER IF I MOVE LIKE A HUMAN SLOPPY JOE.

Twenty eight days to go. The whole thing feels very much like attempting to find a contact lens in a pool—possible, but just barely. If you need me, I’ll just be weeping into my blueberries, preparing to survive in the new world order.

How about you—did the Instagrammers get you, too?

Comments

  1. Lori Oberholtzer says:

    ASH- I read one blog. It’s yours. You’re hilarious!! I’m cheering you on girl :)

    • ashleypdickens says:

      Friend, that is the MOST kind–thank you!! I feel like you’ve done Whole 30 before–maybe plan on giving me a no sugar pep talk in TX?? ;)

  2. Austin Brewer says:

    Almost crying laughing, while also murmuring a lot of “Amens.” Tried the whole “no sugar” thing a few months before my wedding – epic mistake that I have yet to try to duplicate. My new marriage might find itself in jeopardy were I to attempt it again. My Instagram torment is currently fashion/lifestyle bloggers telling me ALL THE THINGS I have yet to purchase that will completely change my life. Not jiving with 2018’s spending fast. Will be temporarily clicking “unfollow” on a few people for the new year.

    • ashleypdickens says:

      I LOVE that unfollow button! And yes, take it from me–newly minted marriages do not hold up well to things like this. I remember looking at my husband during our first six months of marriage and asking him WHY NONE OF MY PANTS FIT. He had no idea what to say. ;)

  3. So many questions:
    1) What is an underground filtration bunker?
    2) Do you really have one?
    3) Would it be ok if I sent Kellan a care package like this? http://bit.ly/2CScl29

    • ashleypdickens says:

      1) Probably something I saw on Lost.
      2) Not comfortable making that information public until the sloppy joe situation is reversed.
      3) YOU ARE SO MEAN. ;)

  4. No way. I ate a whole package of mint Milano’s in a sitting last week. That sounds bad… but it didn’t feel bad. :)

    • ashleypdickens says:

      GOOD GIRL. If God did not intend for us to eat whole packages of mint Milanos HE WOULDN’T HAVE INVENTED WHOLE PACKAGES OF MINT MILANOS.

      Also. Mint chocolate. I die.

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