Operation: Brownies or Birth Control?

DSC_0195You were all just dears about my apple situation.

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the comments, notes and texts with recipe ideas! Unfortunately for all of us, half way through my rainy New York day I realized that what I’d secretly been hoping for all along was a recipe for apple molten lava fudge cake.

Preferably something that tasted nothing like apples whilst simultaneously using up ten pounds of them. Also, making it fat-free would have just been a smash.

Alas, nobody read my mind, and so I’ll take some of your other recommendations out for a spin!

It’s all for the best really, because [brace yourselves]: I gave up chocolate two weeks ago.

I know. I KNOW. And it’s taken me two ugly weeks to talk about it because as my darling husband commented, I’ve been busy CHANNELING SATAN.

As all unfortunate stories tend to do, this one started with a honeymoon breakfast buffet. My Mama raised a smart girl, so I know to eat bacon when I see it! Fast forward to two weeks ago, when I stormed out of our bedroom in a blind rage asking Kellan why in HEAVEN’S name he’d SHRUNK MY PANTS.

Try extricating yourself from that one gracefully, gentlemen.

There was no escaping the brutal reality that my pants no longer fit like they’d used to. In fact, there was barely any escaping my pants after I’d spent half an hour jump-pulling. [Am I alone with the jump-pull? Anybody? Bueller?]

It’s common for newlyweds to gain weight in the aftermath of a wedding, but I wasn’t going to stand for it. I knew that for me, a couple of pounds were merely the gateway drug to a Carol Brady haircut, jean jumpers and a home birth in my jacuzzi tub and NO MEANS NO.

Still, a nagging question lingered in the back of my mind: were those extra pounds my fault, or my birth control’s? After all, my doctor had warned me that those tiny yellow pills might make me a little tubby, and all I have to say is WHAT KIND OF WORLD ARE WE LIVING IN when your choice is a muffin top or a baby?!

Apparently, I’d chosen the muffin top, but there was only one way to find out for sure whether birth control or…well, muffins, was the dastardly culprit. It was thus that Operation: Brownies or Birth Control? was born.

I cut out all chocolate out of my life cold-turkey and then cried like a small, emotionally disturbed child for a week. I love molten-lava-anything more than life itself, and if I’m not eating chocolate, I have generally lost the will to live and am certainly not wasting my time on other desserts. I felt certain that if my weight stayed the same on no chocolate, I could blame the pills. [And oh, how I wanted to blame the pills!]

Here are my findings seventeen brutal days in:

  1. If I see one more commercial with chocolate in it, I am going to start stabbing people at random.
  2. Kellan may or may not have found me snuggling a box of Ghirardelli double fudge brownie mix in the baking aisle at Target on Sunday. He may or may not have had to pry the aforementioned box out of my clammy, desperate hands. I may or may not have had crazy eyes.
  3. Speaking of my husband, he sweetly and sacrificially offered to abstain from chocolate with me. Precious, right? BAH! I counted the mini Kit Kats, Kellan Dickens. He didn’t last two days!
  4. I would rather die in some apocalyptic event than eat one more bowl of fruit. EXCEPTION: a bowl of chocolate covered strawberries. [Also, bananas and nutella.]
  5. Sadly, my pants fit again. Chocolate was indeed the culprit, and from my corner of the apple pile the rest of my life looks positively wretched.

These are dark times, friends…

Comments

  1. As I am sitting here eyeing the bowl of chocolate in front of me…..I chomping on a twizzler instead and drinking my lean chocolate shake from GNC. Like you, I love chocolate and am in denial that my pants are getting snugger…..granted by noon i’m unbottoning the top button my pants just so i can breath a little better. I blame in on my husband and that stupid chocolate cake that I bought him…..it was our desert for a week straight.

    urgh……

  2. Ohhhhhhh, cherish the days when just two weeks of abstaining from anything dietary fixes the pants issue. Cherish it, my friend, cherish it. Eat the brownies while running one flight of stairs still counteracts the pan of ooey gooey goodness. For one day it will come…that fateful day when you have to run stairs AND starve yourself, denying all things good to the palate to stay in a 3-size-option wardrobe of clothes. Cherish. Eat the brownies, take a jog…or just have a kid, at least you get 9 months of eating anything you want because THE BABY WANTS IT!!!! Ooooh unless pregnancy gave you an aversion to chocolate–MAY IT NEVER BE!

    • I die.

      You terrify me! ;) Whatever, if you’re a looking glass into my future then things are LOOKING UP.

      Slash, we can all start praying now that pregnancy does not make me hate chocolate. My heart couldn’t handle that!!

  3. A haiku, to the most beautiful girl in the world-

    Chocolate or no
    You’re simply stunning to me
    But now that you’ve met your goal, can we finally start eating it again??

    I may have too many syllables in that last one, sorry about that… and sorry for selling you up a river with Keri and molten lava fudge cake last night…

    … sorry I’m NOT sorry :P

  4. … but really, I’m kinda sorry

  5. Ruth Daines says:

    Ashley, I too struggled with weight gain in recent years and have learned its the sugar that causes the weight gain. You can still make chocolate desserts made with Stevia or sweetener of your choice, and there are many available now and they taste delicious. I make chocolate desserts often, without sugar, they taste great and even my three boys love them. You can also have dark chocolate. I buy dark chocolate bars and enjoy a square, or two :). Its perfectly healthy and tastes good too.
    Look up low carb desserts. You will be surprised how good they taste and how many recipes there are too. I lost 25lbs eating low carb but I still enjoy yummy desserts! I make a great hot fudge, ice cream, cheesecake, iced mocha, etc. I still lost all the weight and Its great for your health to cut out the sugar too.
    Email me if you want any recipes!

    • 25 pounds–WOW! That’s quite an accomplishment. :) I love your creativity in figuring out how to make yummy things healthier! I think for me, given that there are only two people residing at my house, I just need to not have desserts around. We’ll inevitably eat too much of it! But eventually, I’d LOVE some of those recipes…:)

  6. Eat the chocolate.
    Buy bigger pants.

    I promise I won’t let you wear denim jumpers. Remember, I’m the one who told your mom to stop.

  7. Ruth Daines says:

    I forgot to mention a yummy chocolate bar brand I found called Lily. They are sweetened with Stevia, not sugar.
    I’ve seen them at Harris Teeter, Earth Fare, and Whole Foods. They are the large bars found with the Lindt bars, etc.
    I’ve found many great desserts that make it easier to eat sugar free and not gain weight. Thankfully cocoa is sugar free so it’s easy to work into recipes while using a healthy sweetener.

  8. BAHAHAHAH. Another hysterical entry from the lovely APD, from the one and only LBD. Stacey on “What Not to Wear” would berate you for trying to lose more weight (which clearly you do NOT need to. You should take the word FAT out of your vocabulary. Unless of course it means that you’re F-aithful, A-vailable, T-eachable. Then you’re REAL fat. ;)). Her motto and your motto should be wear what flatters your body…as your wise friend Kristin said: eat mor chocolate. buy bigger pants.

    • I LOVE Stacy and may or may not refer to her like we’re friends in real life. Which I think we TOTALLY would be! ;) Don’t worry, the post was mostly a joke…though, I AM off chocolate, and my pants WERE getting snug. And I’m too cheap to buy new pants, as tempting as that sounds! ;)

  9. This is AWESOME. Brownies or birth control?!?! Laughing audibly!!!

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