Release the Flying Monkeys!

JCP_3508Kellan and I made an impromptu decision to go house hunting this weekend.

Honestly, we’re not even convinced that we’re in the market to buy, but we’re young and had nothing better to do after church than to wander into strangers homes and stare at carpets that saw the Nixon administration.

Also, the terrifying Home Alone basements. I just. I can’t.

The whole experience went as swimmingly as you might imagine, given that Kellan spent our time making mental spread sheets while I walked into each respective foyer, stood eerily still, and waited for the house to “speak” to me. [Not one of them said a darn thing.] While I’ll admit that my strategy may not be the most rational, I remain entirely unapologetic given that  I’m pretty sure my husband wants to buy the little brick number where the realtor had made hot chocolate chip cookies, because HOT CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. Nine later, and that man was ready to sign a mortgage.

So really, this is going well.

Monday morning found me at the Albany DMV, because my brand spankin’ new social security card had arrived in the mail and I had successfully geared myself up for phase two of becoming a Dickens. Y’all, I even had a FOLDER. A folder with my marriage license, passport, old drivers license, angsty poetry that I wrote in middle school and eleventy billion other scraps of my old life for just in case purposes. After sitting in a dirty waiting room for an hour and a half while the gentleman sitting uncomfortably close to me enjoyed a Hot Pocket [No, I would not like a bite], a bored, gum-smacking blonde who clearly would have rather been anywhere else called me to the front desk. [I VOLUNTEER AS A TRIBUTE!] The aforementioned blonde then proceeded to unapologetically inform me that because North Carolina marriage licenses are different from the ones used in New York, I would need to submit THREE other proofs of name change before I would be permitted to change my license. She helpfully offered the following options as acceptable proof:

  1. NYC pistol license
  2. Welfare/Medicaid/NY food stamp card with photo
  3. St. Regis Mohawk Tribal Photo ID card
  4. Veterans Universal Access Photo ID card


I spent the rest of the day rolling in the deep with Adele, and making Ina Garten’s chocolate brownie pudding.

Goodbye forever.


  1. Joan Dickens says:

    Hilarious!!! I’m sorry my home state is giving you so much trouble. It’s bad enough you have to pay those horrible taxes. I know you don’t have any of the 4 proof of name change the blonde mentioned. Do you have other options I hope? Now we know where the tax money goes.

    • Isn’t it crazy?! It looks like I can either get my passport changed and use that in lieu of the three other options, OR I can get my license changed the next time that I’m in North Carolina, and then simply change it to a New York license. I’m not sure which option will be more time consuming! Love you. :)

  2. Press on. You will be a Dickens.

  3. Ashley, I FEEL for you with the whole New York State DMV. Even though I grew up in NY state i had not lived there since i was a teen when my husband was transferred to Buffalo, NY– a place I had just months before said I would never agree to live there OR Las Vegas NV and God promptly sent us to both places to live in the next 3 years.
    When I went to change my license to a New York license from my current and constantly successfully renewed New Hampshire license- I sat with my brand new Pastor’s wife (we were new at their church and she didn’t know me from Adam) who so kindly offered to drive me to the DMV- and after waiting forever I was summoned and informed in front of my new pastor’s wife, that there was an outstanding warrant for my arrest in New Hampshire. Of course it was a mistake- it WAS a MISTAKE – but it took awhile to straighten it out- 24 hours in fact- but it changed my relationship with this new church. Goodness me oh my. I thought I would die.

    • Carolyn, can I just say that you made me laugh out loud? That’s mortifying AND totally hilarious! Thank you for commiserating with me–it sounds like this is never a painless process for anybody. Solidarity, sister! ;)

  4. Hilarious, but my most sincere sympathies. Haha, I am so sorry. Can you two elope in NY?

  5. This is just so freakin hilarious! Thank you (also, I dealt w this 13 years ago. Bleh!)

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