The Facts.

With the birthday girl just the other week!

These are the facts, and they are undisputed.

  1. 1. Refried  beans and caramel truffle coffee do not a happy morning make. That particular life lesson was learned yesterday morning, during which I decided it would be a simply grand idea to eat nachos for breakfast, right before I left for work. Help me, Rhonda-I spent my twenty six minute commute to work turning a lovely shade of green that complemented the lush North Carolina landscape that serves as a backdrop for life here.
  2. 2. Speaking of work, I ought to tell you about that. Several months ago, the small groups pastor at my church approached me about working for him, helping to give shape to an almost non-existent women’s ministry at the church. After several interviews and not a few butt-dials and impassioned country song serenades later, he hired me. For better or for worse. One of the few women working at Summit summed up my job rather nicely on my first day-“Welcome! You are now working at a frat house.”

On that note, if someone could explain fantasy football to me ASAP, I’d appreciate it. I currently have nothing to add to lunchtime conversation.

  1.  The alleged job in the alleged frat house is part time, meaning I’ll be doing something else as well. Stay tuned.
  2. I took my baby sister back-to-school shopping on Saturday. Over the course of the past several months, she became taller than me. Upon that particular realization, I crawled into bed, curled up and watched lifetime television for a week.

Living on only jello pudding cups and sunflower seeds. Which was about as brilliant as the nachos before seven AM idea. I’ll pause while you write that down.

5. Speaking of jello pudding, my Ambien taking Mother has been sneaking downstairs in the middle of the night, and polishing off every dessert in the house without the foggiest recollection of ever doing so the next morning. The tell-tale chocolate smears on her face, however, don’t lie. She loves me a little less every time I point out that she could simply just say no to Ambien-but I find it utterly impossible to stop. Now, unless you’ve been living under a rock [or, the equivalent when it comes to access to social media: Dakar] for the past ten years, you’ve undoubtedly heard about the prescription sleep-aid known as Ambien. Touted as a sort of “miracle drug”, it promises to lull bleary eyed people everywhere into that ever-elusive REM cycle, leaving them totally refreshed and ready to bolt out of bed and run a marathon when they wake up the next morning.

But let’s talk about the fine print.

 “When taking Ambien CR, don’t drive or operate heavy machinery. Sleep walking and eating or driving while not fully awake, with memory loss for the event, as well as abnormal behavior such as being more outgoing or more aggressive than normal, confusion, agitation and hallucinations may occur. Side effects may include next day drowsiness, dizziness, and headache. Ask your healthcare provider for two-layer Ambien CR!”

Now, in my family, directives like that are more like quaint suggestions that don’t particularly concern us in the least. The idea of taking them seriously strikes us as being…well, rather pedestrian. In fact, I think we tuned out after “heavy machinery”-assuming that since there’s not currently a forklift residing in our backyard, we must be exempt. Ah yes, we scoff in the face of pansy warning labels everywhere!

Which if you want a crack at the chocolate case in my house, is unfortunate. Mom hosed the remaining half of it on Friday night.

Or we could talk about the time that my Mother, after taking Ambien [and while, I might add, on a diet], snuck into my little sister Emily’s room in the dead of one February night, and ate ALL of that poor girl’s Valentine’s day candy. I kid you not-Emily woke up to a tragic scene of shaped heart boxes strewn around the room with half gnawed chocolates ground into the carpet and stuck to the doorknob. Let’s talk about the conversation that ensued over breakfast that morning. I mean, how do you answer a distraught ten year old that simply can’t understand why her Mother would do such a thing? “Well sweetheart, Mommy was on drugs, and didn’t know what she was doing.”

  1. And speaking of Ambien, today is my sweet Grandma’s birthday. Isn’t she the cutest?

Happy Monday.

Comments

  1. this post is all over the place! and hilarious. and so you. i want to meet your family!

  2. Can not wait to see you.

  3. i think you found about $20.00 on that one, to which you now owe your poor Momma who’s ambien taking habits have now been exposed to the cyberworld ;)

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