Thoughts on Terrorism on the way to #Influenceconf. [How Southern Women Can Defeat ISIS.]

I am currently sitting at gate B11 in the Albany airport, and so I hesitate to even type this out loud because if there are two hard-learned lessons that I’ve gleaned  in my life about airport etiquette, it’s these:

1. It is generally frowned upon to feed your leftover chocolate muffin bits to the drug-sniffing dogs.

2. Under no circumstances should you mention the word “terrorist”.

But Y’ALL. Rules be darned, I just have to talk about terrorism for a hot second. Because I HAVE RAGE.

I’m on my merry way to the Influence Conference, and in an effort to save dollars and cents I decided not to check a bag. Now, I should confess that I feel deeply virtuous about this. I don’t want to ask to be complimented, but stuffing all of your life essentials into a carry-on is something akin to recycling your egg cartons. You don’t want to brag about it, but you kind of want someone to dump a tub of Gatorade on you.

I digress.

I woke up at dark thirty [or as I like to call it: THE STABBING HOUR] this morning to shower, because WOOF. As I was blow drying my hair, it hit me:

My beloved big-hair products [and we shall call them legion, for they are many], would have to stay at home.

UNLEASH THE FLYING MONKEYS.

Of all of the grudges that I harbor against terrorists, this one ranks up there. I was raised by a southern woman who instilled in me one primary lesson: BIG HAIR. The higher the hair, the closer to God, as they say. I take this very seriously, using no less than three volumizing products a day in an effort to channel my inner Dolly Parton. [And hey, mousse is cheaper than surgery!] Now, because I was flying before I could walk, I remember the golden days of air travel, when water bottles, nail files and oversized aluminum bottles of hairspray were welcomed with open arms.

And then, THE STUPID TERRORISTS RUINED EVERYTHING. In the aftermath of 9/11, giant cans of mousse and gel became contraband because APPARENTLY, these are the things that bombs are made of. Or quite possibly, airline personnel are concerned that perfectly-coiffed women will use the aforementioned aluminum bottles to club the pilot like a baby seal—WHO CAN KNOW. The point is, in the duffel bag sitting at my feet, the only travel-sized hair product currently in my possession is an elfin-sized bottle of shampoo. ONE TEENY TINY BOTTLE of shampoo.  LORD HELP US ALL tomorrow morning when the flat hair plastered to my head screams ASK ME ABOUT BECOMING A SISTER-WIFE and there’s not a darn thing that I can do about it.

President Obama, if you should happen to stumble across this little blog of mine, I have a suggestion for you. I know that those pesky terrorists have been giving you a run for your money lately, and I humbly submit that this is largely because you haven’t activated your greatest asset: angry southern women. Sir, nothing incites a southern woman to violent displays of testosterone like ripping away her hair products. [Just ask Michelle. She may not be from the south but her hair is GREAT so I’m pretty sure she gets it.]  Honey-child, you release a public service announcement about how our hairspray has to stay at home when we travel, and I guarantee you that we will band together like a hoard of angry villagers descending upon Frankenstein’s castle with our mousse-clubs and volumizer bombs, and have ISIS taken care of by lunchtime.

bless their hearts.

[Influence, my flat hair and I will see you in a couple of hours!]

Comments

  1. YES. Times a million. Additionally, I have had my southern hair (curlers, teasing comb, three products) patted down several times because they informed me that it was “suspiciously big.” While that might have been a warning, I took it as the true compliment it ways.

    Stay strong in this void. Or befriend someone who drove and use their mousse.

    • ashleypdickens says:

      GIRL, you do it right. Is it bad if I tell you that I have TWO sets of hot rollers? [Because duh, one’s not enough.]

  2. You. Are. Hilarious. Thanks for the giggle. And from one true Southerner to another, PREACH IT GIRL! :)

  3. Your hair ALWAYS looks good ;)

  4. Aaaaand I adore you all the more solely for this post. Thank you SO, so much for the afternoon laughs!!!!!!

  5. I like the Dolly Parton reference….hairspray is indeed cheaper than surgery. hahaha

  6. There are so many references here that made me smirk and laugh. It is one of the downside to air travel after 9/11, what southern woman wants to be limited on what hair products she can bring with her.

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